There has been a lot of news about the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and the increase in security at the airports. In order to understand more about the new security measure, feel free to visit their website at www.tsa.gov. The reason the TSA has been a huge topic of discussion is due to the concerns of assaults against human dignity. Examples:
TSA pat downs screaming toddler: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=77140
Cancer survivor embarrassed: http://www.mlive.com/news/detroit/index.ssf/2010/11/cancer_survivor_embarrassed_to.html
TSA Agent exposed woman's breasts: http://governmentagainstthepeople.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/lawsuit-tsa-agents-exposed-woman%E2%80%99s-breasts-and-laughed/
Americans by a 2-to-1 margin support the use of naked image full-body x-ray scanners in airport security lines, but fewer than half back aggressive new pat-down procedures, according to a new ABC News/Washington Post poll. Opposition to both rises among those who fly with any frequency. Who is training these people in security? What I say is. "assess the threat." With the legal ramifications of profiling, an official has to be careful not to single any one person out, however, if you can visually see that there is no physical object between their clothes and their skin, you do not need to rub that area.
Sometimes, a "show of force", which is being used by the TSA to thwart any possible terrorist activity, is put in place where there is a pattern of terrorist activity. In China, there is additional security in place to prevent sick people from getting off a plane and bringing their illness into China. That's brilliant. Do it. However, how many terrorist attacks have their been in America?
1993
Feb. 26, New York City: bomb exploded in basement garage of World Trade Center, killing 6 and injuring at least 1,040 others. In 1995, militant Islamist Sheik Omar Abdel Rahman and 9 others were convicted of conspiracy charges, and in 1998, Ramzi Yousef, believed to have been the mastermind, was convicted of the bombing. Al-Qaeda involvement is suspected.
1995
April 19, Oklahoma City: car bomb exploded outside federal office building, collapsing wall and floors. 168 people were killed, including 19 children and 1 person who died in rescue effort. Over 220 buildings sustained damage. Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols later convicted in the antigovernment plot to avenge the Branch Davidian standoff in Waco, Tex., exactly 2 years earlier.
2001
Sept. 11, New York City, Arlington, Va., and Shanksville, Pa.: hijackers crashed 2 commercial jets into twin towers of World Trade Center; 2 more hijacked jets were crashed into the Pentagon and a field in rural Pa. Total dead and missing numbered 2,9921: 2,749 in New York City, 184 at the Pentagon, 40 in Pa., and 19 hijackers. Islamic al-Qaeda terrorist group blamed.
2009
June 1, Little Rock, Arkansas: Abdulhakim Muhammed, a Muslim convert from Memphis, Tennessee, is charged with shooting two soldiers outside a military recruiting center. One is killed and the other is wounded. In a January 2010 letter to the judge hearing his case, Muhammed asked to change his plea from not guilty to guilty, claimed ties to al-Qaeda, and called the shooting a jihadi attack "to fight those who wage war on Islam and Muslims."
Dec. 25: A Nigerian man on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit attempted to ignite an explosive device hidden in his underwear. The explosive device that failed to detonate was a mixture of powder and liquid that did not alert security personnel in the airport. The alleged bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, told officials later that he was directed by the terrorist group Al Qaeda. The suspect was already on the government's watch list when he attempted the bombing; his father, a respected Nigerian banker, had told the U.S. government that he was worried about his son's increased extremism.
2010
May 2, New York City: After discovering a bomb in a smoking vehicle parked in Times Square, authorities arrest Faisal Shahzad, a Pakistani who recently became a naturalized U.S. citizen, and charge him with attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction and several other federal charges. American officials later announce that the Pakistani Taliban likely played a role in the bomb plot, including training Shahzad.
So, in 20 years, there have been 6 acts of terrorism on U.S. soil, only 2 of which involved an airplane. It is estimated that 3 million people board a plane in the United States for a domestic or international flight every single day. The odds of a terrorist incident in the last decade are 1 in 10,408,947. By contrast, the odds of being struck by lightning are about 1 in 500,000. You could board 20 flights per year and still be less likely to be the subject of an attempted terrorist attack than to be struck by lightning. So, why is it that we are ramping up our security?
During my enlistment with the Army, I was often a part of a security detail at a base camp in Bosnia. The war ended in 1995 and I was there, on and off, from August of 1997 to February of 2005. I never once patted down anyone. I would look in the civilians' bags, have them take off coats and hats, and visually inspect them for objects they may be hiding under their clothes. Bosnia was and is seen as a spring board for Mujihadeen fighters in Central Europe. I worked on military bases that housed occupation forces augmented to the United Nations and NATO. Why wouldn't I pat them down to look for bombs or weapons? Because, as far as I know, there had never been an attack against a military base since the occupation. The threat, although possible, was not foreseeable. This included the year following the attacks on September 11th.
However, this is not about the TSA. This is about you and I and making a quick threat assessment. When dealing with people, you want to be sure that you are situationally aware at all times. Let's begin with meeting someone. When first meeting someone, arrange to meet in a public place. Drive separately. Compare it to dating. Most dating horror stories begin with "he picked me up at my house." Why would you want a complete stranger to not only know where you live, but have you reliant on them for a ride home if the party goes South? Particularly, in a business meeting, be sure to meet them somewhere public and safe.
Also, arrive there early so that you can assess the location. Determine where the exits are, how many people are there, what kind of people are there, and so on.
Read the person you are with and determine if this is someone that you really want to meet again, whether it be for business or pleasure. Assume the risk. If they start dancing the skeletons out of the closet, run and hide. Most people may subdue their vices but can quickly backslide into them as well. Listen for references to drugs, alcohol, prostitution, gambling, infidelity, abuse (physical or mental), etc. This is what I am talking about with accessing the threat.
We train that it takes about 5 meetings to determine a person's mannerisms; 1. a habitual gesture or way of speaking or behaving; an idiosyncrasy. 2. A gesture or expression that becomes abnormal through exaggeration or repetition. This will give you more than enough time to determine if this person is someone you want to be in bed with, figuratively speaking.
Taking the time to create a mental "risk assessment" of a person you are getting to know, will save you time, money, and heartache on the back-end. Sometimes, people are really good about hiding their problems. It is good to introduce your new friend or business partner to others to get a third or fourth opinion. Sometimes we are blinded by love or opportunity and don't see the signs for ourselves. I'm not saying buy peoples' opinions, but take a mental note of what others are saying. We do it all the time.
So why the mention of the TSA?
We personally have challenges with measuring the real threat. TSA and other organizations use more security than there is an actual threat. We, on the other hand, open ourselves up for attack because we do not practice threat assessment. Take time to look at each person individually. Determine if the person is a real threat. If you see that they ARE hiding something, pat them down (ask them about it). If you find something you don't like, then don't let them inside. Don't make it humiliating for the other person, just pull them to the side (out of view of the others), address the issue and move on to the next person. This can be done in no time if done correctly.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Mirror and Match
Mirror and matching is an aspect of human interaction that gets the most scrutiny as I explain it to others. Most people try to emulate some characteristic of someone or groups of people that they have met in their past. This can be both positive and negative. What I am referring to is in having a conversation with someone. The first key component to being a good conversationalist is being a good listener. Be genuinely listening to what the other party has to say. By listening, you will know what kind of person you are speaking with. In that, you are able to soften or raise your voice, slow down and articulate better, and or speak at their level.
We all know that you would not speak to our mothers the same way we would talk to our college roommates. So, without even understanding the principles of mirror and match, we do it anyway. Try a little exercise the next time you are having a one-on-one conversation with someone. While they speak, lean forward and rest your arms on the table. If the other party does the same, than they are comfortable with you. If you are not at a table, lean over and rest your arms on your knees. If the other party is smiling, do the same. This will create a comfortable environment. If you find that they are crossing their arms and leaning back in their chair, than they are not into the conversation or at least, even if they are talking, they could be talking to anyone and it doesn't matter that you are in the room.
Some people believe that this practice is like being a fake. I don't agree. Mastering the art of conversation determines as to whether or not you are able to get your message across and any 1% tweeks that you can make, creates a better atmosphere for success. The same goes for the clothes you wear. If I am meeting with the President of a financial institution, I will arrive in a suit and tie. If I am meeting with a farmer, I may just go in a pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. Finding a commonality amongst you and the person you are addressing is instrumental in having a second conversation and developing a relationship.
It is definitely tough if you have nothing in common with the other person. That doesn't mean that it ends there. Try and relate to them on their level. I used to meet with gang members, war criminals, and terrorists when I worked for NATO. It was difficult to find common ground since I grew up in a small town in mid-Missouri, where the greatest terrorists knocked over mailboxes with baseball bats. However, by asking questions, you may find that you do have some things in common that you would never believe. Would you believe that terrorists have wives and children? Would you believe that War Criminals like sports? Your contact may not be that unsavory a character, but asking about their family, hobbies, occupation, and motivation will reveal those commonalities. If you take up the defense immediately just because they don't share your particular religious beliefs or hobbies, you will alienate them immediately.
We are all different, and that is what makes us all special. Learn how to mirror and match and you will bridge those gaps that you may find between yourself and the other party. Below, I have attached a wonderful article on the subject that I suggest you read for further detail on the subject. Have fun with your next conversation and see if it wields the results you seek. God bless.
"Rapport is the foundation for any meaningful interaction between two or more people - rapport is about establishing an environment of trust and understanding, to respect and honor the other person’s world. Which gives a person the freedom to fully express their ideas and concerns and to know that they will be respected by the other person(s). Rapport creates the space for the person to feel listened to, and heard and it doesn’t mean that they have to agree with what the other person says or does. Each person appreciates the other’s viewpoint and respects their model of the world. When you are in rapport with another person, you have the opportunity to enter their world and see things from their perspective, feel the way they do, get a better understanding of where they are coming from; and as a result, enhance the whole relationship.
A 1970 study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Ray Birdwhistle concluded that 93% of our communication transpires non-verbally and unconscious. NLP rapport skills teach us how to communicate at that unconscious level. Mirroring, matching, pacing and leading skills will enable you to become "like" the other person. Anthony Robbins stated: “People who like each other tend to be like each other.” NLP teaches how to mirror and match physiology, tonality and predicates (process words).
Researchers at the Boston University Medical School studied films of people having conversations. The researchers noticed that the people talking began (unconsciously) to co-ordinate their movements (including finger movements, eye blinks and head nods.) When they were monitored using electroencephalographs, it was found that some of their brain waves were spiking at the same moment too. As the conversations progressed, these people were getting into rapport with each other.
The key to establishing rapport is an ability to enter another person’s world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to do is to become more like the other person by matching and mirroring the person’s behaviors -- body language, voice, words etc. Matching and mirroring is a powerful way of getting an appreciation of how the other person is seeing/experiencing the world
For words, match predicates. If your partner is using mainly visual words, you should also use mainly visual words and similarly for auditory, kinesthetic and auditory digital words. To the extent possible, you should also use the same words as the other person. For example, I may say something is ‘awesome’. In your model of the world, you may interpret ‘awesome’ as ‘outstanding’ and use this word when speaking to me. For me ‘outstanding’ may have a different meaning or evoke a different feeling than ‘awesome’. In this case, you would not be matching but mismatching my words.
Some people find the idea of matching another person uncomfortable and they feel that they are trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. To overcome this uneasiness, realize that matching is a natural part of the rapport building process and that you are doing it unconsciously every day with your close family and friends. Each day gradually increase your conscious use of matching at a pace that is comfortable and ethical for you. Matching done with integrity and respect creates positive feelings and responses in you and others. Rapport is the ability to enter someone else’s world, to make him feel you understand him, and that there is a strong connection between the two of you.
The purpose of the following exercises is to provide some experience with the basic processes and procedures of modeling. They primarily focus on the information gathering phase of the modeling process, and cover a range of modeling skills, including "implicit" and "explicit" modeling formats, and the use of multiple perceptual positions to gather different types and levels of information about a particular performance.
Mirroring Exercise
Mirroring is a method of building a strong "second position" with someone else. It is a fundamental skill for modeling another person and for developing intuitions about the person's internal experience. To get a sense of the influence and effects of mirroring, try out the following exercise.
1. Choose a partner, or person to converse with. Do not tell the person initially that you will be mirroring him or her during the conversation.
2. Enter into a conversation with the person, asking for his or her opinions about various subjects.
3. As you are conversing, begin to subtly mirror the other person's physiology (including voice tone and tempo). [Hint: This can be most easily done in the context of 'active listening'; that is, reflecting back statements the person has made, by commenting, "So what you are saying is....", and then stating your understanding of the person's opinion.]
4. When you are fully mirroring, you will be sitting in the same posture, using the same types of gestures, speaking at a similar speed and volume, and in a similar voice tone range, as the other person. If you are completely mirroring the other person, you will even be breathing at the same rate and in the same part of the chest cavity as the other. Notice what it feels like when you have reached this level of rapport.
5. One way to test your degree of rapport is by "second guessing" the other person's opinion on a couple of subjects that you have not yet discussed. Often mirroring will give you access to information that is being unconsciously communicated and received, and you will "pick up" information about the other person without being consciously aware of how you got it. This is why mirroring is such a powerful tool for modeling.
6. To get another sense of the influence of mirroring on your interaction, you can try out what it is like to abruptly mismatch the other person in posture, gestures, voice tone and breathing. Both you and your partner should experience quite a jolt if you do this, and feel as if your quality of rapport has changed dramatically.
7. Before concluding your conversation and letting your partner in on what you were doing, make sure you have reestablished rapport by once again physically mirroring your partner.
One way to help rapport to develop is to mirror the micro-behaviors of those we wish to influence. Any observable behavior can be mirrored, for example:
Body posture
Spinal alignment
Hand gestures
Head tilt
Blink rate
Facial expression
Energy level
Breathing rate
Vocal qualities (volume, tonality, rhythm)
Key phrases
Anything else that you can observe…
Exercise 1
Practice mirroring the micro-behaviors of people on television (chat shows & interviews are ideal.) You may be surprised at how quickly you can become comfortable as you subtly mirror the behaviors of others.
Pacing and leading is one of the keys to influencing people. It refers to meeting them at their map of the world (pacing) and then taking them where you want them to go (leading.) Rapport is a basic, behavioral signal that you have met someone at their map of the world. The simplest, most effective test for rapport is "if you lead, they follow."
Exercise 2
Choose a safe situation to practice mirroring an element of someone else's behavior. When you have mirrored them for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next minute or so, congratulate yourself - you have led their behavior!
Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviors they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually anything you can observe.
Exercise 3
Increase the range of behaviors that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)
Many people (especially in the area of sales) are familiar with rapport-building techniques and are particularly aware of body posture mirroring. Cross-over matching involves matching another person's behavior with a different behavior of your own (eg. matching their breathing rate to your head tilt, or their eye blinks to your foot-taps.) This is a way of building rapport that is very difficult to detect, and still highly effective.
Exercise 4
During a conversation with another person; choose one of their behaviors (eg. breathing rate) to cross-over match with one of your behaviors (eg. speaking rate.) Notice how quickly the sense of connection develops!
To mirror another person, merely select the behavior or quality you wish to mirror, and then do that behavior. If you choose to mirror head tilt, when the person moves their head, wait a few moments, then move yours to the same angle. The effect should be as though the other person is looking in a mirror. When this is done elegantly, it is out of consciousness for the other person. However, a few notes of caution are appropriate:
Mirroring is not the same as mimicry. It should be subtle and respectful.
Mirroring can lead to you sharing the other person's experience. Avoid mirroring people who are in distress or who have severe mental issues. Mirroring can build a deep sense of trust quickly, a responsibility to use it ethically.
Mirroring is as if you were looking into a mirror. To mirror a person who has raised his right hand, you would raise your left hand (i.e. mirror image). To match this same person, you would raise your right-hand (doing exactly the same as the other person). Some practitioners see a time difference between mirroring and matching. For example, if someone makes hand gestures while they are speaking, you would wait until it was your turn to speak before making similar (matching) hand gestures.
The fact that you've read this far means that you can see the benefits of increasing your rapport skills. Reading is sadly not enough - practice is the key to building skill, so do the exercises. When you first start the practice of mirroring, you may have to pay some conscious attention to what you're doing. After a while, however, you will start to catch yourself doing it unconsciously. This is where you really begin to build rapport elegantly!
And at times when a gesture is idiosyncratic to that person or otherwise to obvious, you can do crossover matching. Meaning, if they adjust their glasses, and you don't wear any, then just move your foot. When you crossover match/mirror, you match/mirror a portion of the other person's body, with a different portion of your own body. This is best to do when you are matching someone's rate of breathing. You can use your finger to pace the rhythm of their breath. When matching or mirroring someone's voice, do that with their tonality, volume, and the rate at which they speak. And remember you don't have to do all of these things, just one or two will be enough to create rapport in most cases.
Practice
You may wish to start with family members and begin to match different aspects of their posture, gestures, voice and words. Have fun with it and see if they notice what you are doing. At work or socially, start by matching one specific behavior and once you are comfortable doing that, and then match another. For friends with whom you really feel comfortable, notice how often you naturally match their postures, gestures tone of voice or words. Matching comes naturally, what you need to do is learn how to do it with everyone, then matching will become automatic whenever you wish to deepen your rapport with someone.
Backtracking is another excellent skill to learn in order to maintain and deepen rapport. When you are in conversation with another person whether it is business or personal take the opportunity to give back to the person the information you are receiving. This lets the person know that you were listening and that you understand without judgment. It also gives you a chance to ensure your own understanding and/or ask for clarification. If you were matching posture, breathing, key words and gestures, voice characteristics and did not attempt to backtrack your rapport would eventually slip through the cracks. The backtrack is the thread that tightens the rapport. Backtracking is saying back the essence, not verbatim, of what the person had just said. There are times when you backtrack and the other person adds on or corrects you. Being corrected can strengthen rapport because then you backtrack again and the person really feels you understand. There is also the possibility that being corrected will cause you to lose rapport. However losing rapport is like losing your balance. You fall, recover, and get back up again. When you lose rapport you have to find a way to regain it. Some of the ways to regain rapport are to backtrack accurately, mirror posture, breathing, key words and gestures and voice characteristics. There may be times that you want to be "out" of rapport with someone. For example if it isn't healthy for you to be around certain people, you are held hostage at a cocktail party or you are doing it for effect. Typically people think the way to break rapport is to be demeaning or disagree. Although that may work I recommend mismatching. This means intentionally mismatch posture, breathing, key words/gestures, and voice quality. Rely on mismatching the nonverbal communication and you will be out of rapport. For those of you who like experiments try this: Disagree strongly and maintain rapport. Agree completely while breaking rapport. All experimenting should be done in a non-critical environment.
The key element within establishing, building, deepening and maintaining rapport is the ability to pay attention to the responses you are getting. The response will let you know if you are in or out of rapport. When you are "in" continue doing your mirroring and backtracking skills. When you are "out" utilize your flexibility and change what you are doing until you are back on track.
Behind any technique there must be an authenticity of caring and real concern for the other person. (See "Technicians Need Not Apply,"Anchor Point 1987.) Rapport is such a people oriented process yet I am describing practical techniques to establish, maintain and deepen rapport. It can and does feel mechanical! However after a while they become streamlined in your behavior. If you practice these skills and have no real interest in the other person the rapport will not develop. If you don't pay attention to the other person it doesn't matter how proficient you become in your NLP techniques. It is the responses that you get and your own flexibility that hold the ultimate power in establishing, maintaining and deepening rapport."
Author's Bio
John James Santangelo C.Ht., nationally acclaimed speaker, author, seminar leader, and success coach, has been a guiding force in empowering individuals, businesses, and corporations to excel at peak performance. John is a foremost authority in success principles and expert in the field of communication, an NLP master trainer, and clinical hypnotherapist. He has worked with companies such as The Learning Annex, Mary Kay Inc, Well-Point, Xerox, RE/MAX Realtors, the Teamsters Union, and the US Army counter-intelligence team. Whether you’re looking to fulfill short/long term goals, increase your sales performance, or conduct corporate sales/communication trainings, John can help you achieve the next level of success! For more information on Success Life Coaching visit http://www.JohnSantangelo.com or call (888) NLP-COACH
We all know that you would not speak to our mothers the same way we would talk to our college roommates. So, without even understanding the principles of mirror and match, we do it anyway. Try a little exercise the next time you are having a one-on-one conversation with someone. While they speak, lean forward and rest your arms on the table. If the other party does the same, than they are comfortable with you. If you are not at a table, lean over and rest your arms on your knees. If the other party is smiling, do the same. This will create a comfortable environment. If you find that they are crossing their arms and leaning back in their chair, than they are not into the conversation or at least, even if they are talking, they could be talking to anyone and it doesn't matter that you are in the room.
Some people believe that this practice is like being a fake. I don't agree. Mastering the art of conversation determines as to whether or not you are able to get your message across and any 1% tweeks that you can make, creates a better atmosphere for success. The same goes for the clothes you wear. If I am meeting with the President of a financial institution, I will arrive in a suit and tie. If I am meeting with a farmer, I may just go in a pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. Finding a commonality amongst you and the person you are addressing is instrumental in having a second conversation and developing a relationship.
It is definitely tough if you have nothing in common with the other person. That doesn't mean that it ends there. Try and relate to them on their level. I used to meet with gang members, war criminals, and terrorists when I worked for NATO. It was difficult to find common ground since I grew up in a small town in mid-Missouri, where the greatest terrorists knocked over mailboxes with baseball bats. However, by asking questions, you may find that you do have some things in common that you would never believe. Would you believe that terrorists have wives and children? Would you believe that War Criminals like sports? Your contact may not be that unsavory a character, but asking about their family, hobbies, occupation, and motivation will reveal those commonalities. If you take up the defense immediately just because they don't share your particular religious beliefs or hobbies, you will alienate them immediately.
We are all different, and that is what makes us all special. Learn how to mirror and match and you will bridge those gaps that you may find between yourself and the other party. Below, I have attached a wonderful article on the subject that I suggest you read for further detail on the subject. Have fun with your next conversation and see if it wields the results you seek. God bless.
"Rapport is the foundation for any meaningful interaction between two or more people - rapport is about establishing an environment of trust and understanding, to respect and honor the other person’s world. Which gives a person the freedom to fully express their ideas and concerns and to know that they will be respected by the other person(s). Rapport creates the space for the person to feel listened to, and heard and it doesn’t mean that they have to agree with what the other person says or does. Each person appreciates the other’s viewpoint and respects their model of the world. When you are in rapport with another person, you have the opportunity to enter their world and see things from their perspective, feel the way they do, get a better understanding of where they are coming from; and as a result, enhance the whole relationship.
A 1970 study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania by Dr. Ray Birdwhistle concluded that 93% of our communication transpires non-verbally and unconscious. NLP rapport skills teach us how to communicate at that unconscious level. Mirroring, matching, pacing and leading skills will enable you to become "like" the other person. Anthony Robbins stated: “People who like each other tend to be like each other.” NLP teaches how to mirror and match physiology, tonality and predicates (process words).
Researchers at the Boston University Medical School studied films of people having conversations. The researchers noticed that the people talking began (unconsciously) to co-ordinate their movements (including finger movements, eye blinks and head nods.) When they were monitored using electroencephalographs, it was found that some of their brain waves were spiking at the same moment too. As the conversations progressed, these people were getting into rapport with each other.
The key to establishing rapport is an ability to enter another person’s world by assuming a similar state of mind. The first thing to do is to become more like the other person by matching and mirroring the person’s behaviors -- body language, voice, words etc. Matching and mirroring is a powerful way of getting an appreciation of how the other person is seeing/experiencing the world
For words, match predicates. If your partner is using mainly visual words, you should also use mainly visual words and similarly for auditory, kinesthetic and auditory digital words. To the extent possible, you should also use the same words as the other person. For example, I may say something is ‘awesome’. In your model of the world, you may interpret ‘awesome’ as ‘outstanding’ and use this word when speaking to me. For me ‘outstanding’ may have a different meaning or evoke a different feeling than ‘awesome’. In this case, you would not be matching but mismatching my words.
Some people find the idea of matching another person uncomfortable and they feel that they are trying to fool or take advantage of the other person. To overcome this uneasiness, realize that matching is a natural part of the rapport building process and that you are doing it unconsciously every day with your close family and friends. Each day gradually increase your conscious use of matching at a pace that is comfortable and ethical for you. Matching done with integrity and respect creates positive feelings and responses in you and others. Rapport is the ability to enter someone else’s world, to make him feel you understand him, and that there is a strong connection between the two of you.
The purpose of the following exercises is to provide some experience with the basic processes and procedures of modeling. They primarily focus on the information gathering phase of the modeling process, and cover a range of modeling skills, including "implicit" and "explicit" modeling formats, and the use of multiple perceptual positions to gather different types and levels of information about a particular performance.
Mirroring Exercise
Mirroring is a method of building a strong "second position" with someone else. It is a fundamental skill for modeling another person and for developing intuitions about the person's internal experience. To get a sense of the influence and effects of mirroring, try out the following exercise.
1. Choose a partner, or person to converse with. Do not tell the person initially that you will be mirroring him or her during the conversation.
2. Enter into a conversation with the person, asking for his or her opinions about various subjects.
3. As you are conversing, begin to subtly mirror the other person's physiology (including voice tone and tempo). [Hint: This can be most easily done in the context of 'active listening'; that is, reflecting back statements the person has made, by commenting, "So what you are saying is....", and then stating your understanding of the person's opinion.]
4. When you are fully mirroring, you will be sitting in the same posture, using the same types of gestures, speaking at a similar speed and volume, and in a similar voice tone range, as the other person. If you are completely mirroring the other person, you will even be breathing at the same rate and in the same part of the chest cavity as the other. Notice what it feels like when you have reached this level of rapport.
5. One way to test your degree of rapport is by "second guessing" the other person's opinion on a couple of subjects that you have not yet discussed. Often mirroring will give you access to information that is being unconsciously communicated and received, and you will "pick up" information about the other person without being consciously aware of how you got it. This is why mirroring is such a powerful tool for modeling.
6. To get another sense of the influence of mirroring on your interaction, you can try out what it is like to abruptly mismatch the other person in posture, gestures, voice tone and breathing. Both you and your partner should experience quite a jolt if you do this, and feel as if your quality of rapport has changed dramatically.
7. Before concluding your conversation and letting your partner in on what you were doing, make sure you have reestablished rapport by once again physically mirroring your partner.
One way to help rapport to develop is to mirror the micro-behaviors of those we wish to influence. Any observable behavior can be mirrored, for example:
Body posture
Spinal alignment
Hand gestures
Head tilt
Blink rate
Facial expression
Energy level
Breathing rate
Vocal qualities (volume, tonality, rhythm)
Key phrases
Anything else that you can observe…
Exercise 1
Practice mirroring the micro-behaviors of people on television (chat shows & interviews are ideal.) You may be surprised at how quickly you can become comfortable as you subtly mirror the behaviors of others.
Pacing and leading is one of the keys to influencing people. It refers to meeting them at their map of the world (pacing) and then taking them where you want them to go (leading.) Rapport is a basic, behavioral signal that you have met someone at their map of the world. The simplest, most effective test for rapport is "if you lead, they follow."
Exercise 2
Choose a safe situation to practice mirroring an element of someone else's behavior. When you have mirrored them for a while, and think you are in rapport with the person, scratch your nose. If they lift their hand to their face within the next minute or so, congratulate yourself - you have led their behavior!
Skilled communicators have a wide range of behaviors they can mirror to build rapport. You can find a way to mirror virtually anything you can observe.
Exercise 3
Increase the range of behaviors that you can mirror, and introduce deliberate rapport-building into situations where it will benefit you and others (nb. Use your common sense and choose low-risk situations to practice in.)
Many people (especially in the area of sales) are familiar with rapport-building techniques and are particularly aware of body posture mirroring. Cross-over matching involves matching another person's behavior with a different behavior of your own (eg. matching their breathing rate to your head tilt, or their eye blinks to your foot-taps.) This is a way of building rapport that is very difficult to detect, and still highly effective.
Exercise 4
During a conversation with another person; choose one of their behaviors (eg. breathing rate) to cross-over match with one of your behaviors (eg. speaking rate.) Notice how quickly the sense of connection develops!
To mirror another person, merely select the behavior or quality you wish to mirror, and then do that behavior. If you choose to mirror head tilt, when the person moves their head, wait a few moments, then move yours to the same angle. The effect should be as though the other person is looking in a mirror. When this is done elegantly, it is out of consciousness for the other person. However, a few notes of caution are appropriate:
Mirroring is not the same as mimicry. It should be subtle and respectful.
Mirroring can lead to you sharing the other person's experience. Avoid mirroring people who are in distress or who have severe mental issues. Mirroring can build a deep sense of trust quickly, a responsibility to use it ethically.
Mirroring is as if you were looking into a mirror. To mirror a person who has raised his right hand, you would raise your left hand (i.e. mirror image). To match this same person, you would raise your right-hand (doing exactly the same as the other person). Some practitioners see a time difference between mirroring and matching. For example, if someone makes hand gestures while they are speaking, you would wait until it was your turn to speak before making similar (matching) hand gestures.
The fact that you've read this far means that you can see the benefits of increasing your rapport skills. Reading is sadly not enough - practice is the key to building skill, so do the exercises. When you first start the practice of mirroring, you may have to pay some conscious attention to what you're doing. After a while, however, you will start to catch yourself doing it unconsciously. This is where you really begin to build rapport elegantly!
And at times when a gesture is idiosyncratic to that person or otherwise to obvious, you can do crossover matching. Meaning, if they adjust their glasses, and you don't wear any, then just move your foot. When you crossover match/mirror, you match/mirror a portion of the other person's body, with a different portion of your own body. This is best to do when you are matching someone's rate of breathing. You can use your finger to pace the rhythm of their breath. When matching or mirroring someone's voice, do that with their tonality, volume, and the rate at which they speak. And remember you don't have to do all of these things, just one or two will be enough to create rapport in most cases.
Practice
You may wish to start with family members and begin to match different aspects of their posture, gestures, voice and words. Have fun with it and see if they notice what you are doing. At work or socially, start by matching one specific behavior and once you are comfortable doing that, and then match another. For friends with whom you really feel comfortable, notice how often you naturally match their postures, gestures tone of voice or words. Matching comes naturally, what you need to do is learn how to do it with everyone, then matching will become automatic whenever you wish to deepen your rapport with someone.
Backtracking is another excellent skill to learn in order to maintain and deepen rapport. When you are in conversation with another person whether it is business or personal take the opportunity to give back to the person the information you are receiving. This lets the person know that you were listening and that you understand without judgment. It also gives you a chance to ensure your own understanding and/or ask for clarification. If you were matching posture, breathing, key words and gestures, voice characteristics and did not attempt to backtrack your rapport would eventually slip through the cracks. The backtrack is the thread that tightens the rapport. Backtracking is saying back the essence, not verbatim, of what the person had just said. There are times when you backtrack and the other person adds on or corrects you. Being corrected can strengthen rapport because then you backtrack again and the person really feels you understand. There is also the possibility that being corrected will cause you to lose rapport. However losing rapport is like losing your balance. You fall, recover, and get back up again. When you lose rapport you have to find a way to regain it. Some of the ways to regain rapport are to backtrack accurately, mirror posture, breathing, key words and gestures and voice characteristics. There may be times that you want to be "out" of rapport with someone. For example if it isn't healthy for you to be around certain people, you are held hostage at a cocktail party or you are doing it for effect. Typically people think the way to break rapport is to be demeaning or disagree. Although that may work I recommend mismatching. This means intentionally mismatch posture, breathing, key words/gestures, and voice quality. Rely on mismatching the nonverbal communication and you will be out of rapport. For those of you who like experiments try this: Disagree strongly and maintain rapport. Agree completely while breaking rapport. All experimenting should be done in a non-critical environment.
The key element within establishing, building, deepening and maintaining rapport is the ability to pay attention to the responses you are getting. The response will let you know if you are in or out of rapport. When you are "in" continue doing your mirroring and backtracking skills. When you are "out" utilize your flexibility and change what you are doing until you are back on track.
Behind any technique there must be an authenticity of caring and real concern for the other person. (See "Technicians Need Not Apply,"Anchor Point 1987.) Rapport is such a people oriented process yet I am describing practical techniques to establish, maintain and deepen rapport. It can and does feel mechanical! However after a while they become streamlined in your behavior. If you practice these skills and have no real interest in the other person the rapport will not develop. If you don't pay attention to the other person it doesn't matter how proficient you become in your NLP techniques. It is the responses that you get and your own flexibility that hold the ultimate power in establishing, maintaining and deepening rapport."
Author's Bio
John James Santangelo C.Ht., nationally acclaimed speaker, author, seminar leader, and success coach, has been a guiding force in empowering individuals, businesses, and corporations to excel at peak performance. John is a foremost authority in success principles and expert in the field of communication, an NLP master trainer, and clinical hypnotherapist. He has worked with companies such as The Learning Annex, Mary Kay Inc, Well-Point, Xerox, RE/MAX Realtors, the Teamsters Union, and the US Army counter-intelligence team. Whether you’re looking to fulfill short/long term goals, increase your sales performance, or conduct corporate sales/communication trainings, John can help you achieve the next level of success! For more information on Success Life Coaching visit http://www.JohnSantangelo.com or call (888) NLP-COACH
Saturday, February 27, 2010
"Just the facts, ma'am"
Most of us have heard the words, but next to no one that I have encountered could tell me where it came from. While "Just the facts, ma'am" has come to be known as Dragnet's catchphrase, it was never actually uttered by Joe Friday; the closest he came were, "All we want are the facts, ma'am" and "All we know are the facts, ma'am". "Just the facts, ma'am" comes from the Stan Freberg parody St. George and the Dragonet. As I speak to people about social concerns, I often get little nuggets of gold; facts and details about people, places, or events that I have never heard before. As I inquire about the origin of these facts, the most common response is, “ I heard it (or read it) somewhere.” This is a very suspect statement. Do you mean to tell me that you are supporting your argument with facts of which you have no idea of its origin?
In lies one of the greatest flaws of human communication. Within the Ego, we as humans do not want to appear wrong or uninformed, so we often make accusations. The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure that includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Instead of saying, “I don't know”, we resort to some bastardized concept of reality based on what we think and not what we know. So let's imagine that there is some inkling of truth to what you claim. Let's refer to the Intelligence Collection Cycle, used by every intelligence organization on the planet, for just a moment. When information is received, it begins to be processed. Evaluation of relevance and reliability, and collation of the raw intelligence is prepared for future use. Let's dissect this and translate in human tongue.
We encounter thousands of pieces of information on a daily basis. We all know that our brain records everything that occurs all around each of us, moment to moment. Our brains tell us whether the information is relevant to what we do. This decision is not wholly yours. Although our subconscious remembers everything, you may only actively remember small pieces of the whole puzzle. This isn't new to anyone, but it is important to understand as we proceed.
How reliable is the source of your information? If you hear a first hand account of an event from someone, you would expect that they had all the facts. What do we see policemen do when questioning people? They take statements from everyone; eyewitnesses, parties involved, etc. How unjust would it be if you were in an automobile accident and the police officer taking the report did not want to hear your side of the story? So, I say that to say this. Reporters, journalists, writers, videographers, have written detailed accounts of a situation. How close were they to the event? The trouble with the Internet is that so many people are using second or fiftieth hand information to present what they call fact. The old saying, “people believe what they read” is very true. So what do we do to verify information?
Just like eating healthy food...get as close to the source. Before you make any comment based on a rumor, you need to check your information through at least three sources. This is what the government calls Intelligence Correlation. Databases are kept as a primary tool used to support intelligence preparation for the battlefield, graphical display of enemy order of battle, and provides intelligence data feeds. Before the government takes action on any information they have to check with other domestic and foreign intelligence services to see if other sources are providing similar details. If no one can collaborate, then more oft than not, no action is taken. Anyone that knows our government knows that they are not quick to move anyway, even with a smoking gun in the hand of the shooter, with his hands in the air. Nevertheless, this is an important function so that negligence is avoided. Civilians die in battle due to lack of supporting intelligence about the possible civilian casualties. O.k., so you are not involved with foreign occupation. Let's talk about something as simple as a rumor. Have you ever been told that someone was saying something about you behind your back that wasn't true or may be only marginally true? If no one has ever said anything about you that is derogatory then you live in Antarctica and have never encountered another human being. What people do not know, they will fill in the blanks.
Anyone that has ever been on a debate team, whether it be in High School or College knows that all their supporting arguments have to be substantiated. If your source is less than reputable, then your argument has no merit. To come to some sort of point to all this is that during your conversations with others, particularly me, make sure that you know what you are talking about. KNOW being the word of choice being that you are able to differentiate opinion from fact. We are all entitled to our opinion, however, present it as such. For business, I am very clear in presentations, the information that I am presenting as facts and those other caveats that are just my opinion. It is only ethical to do so. Our day to day conversations will be so much more fruitful when we stick to what we know and not argue with people that have no idea what they are talking about in the first place.
In lies one of the greatest flaws of human communication. Within the Ego, we as humans do not want to appear wrong or uninformed, so we often make accusations. The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure that includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Instead of saying, “I don't know”, we resort to some bastardized concept of reality based on what we think and not what we know. So let's imagine that there is some inkling of truth to what you claim. Let's refer to the Intelligence Collection Cycle, used by every intelligence organization on the planet, for just a moment. When information is received, it begins to be processed. Evaluation of relevance and reliability, and collation of the raw intelligence is prepared for future use. Let's dissect this and translate in human tongue.
We encounter thousands of pieces of information on a daily basis. We all know that our brain records everything that occurs all around each of us, moment to moment. Our brains tell us whether the information is relevant to what we do. This decision is not wholly yours. Although our subconscious remembers everything, you may only actively remember small pieces of the whole puzzle. This isn't new to anyone, but it is important to understand as we proceed.
How reliable is the source of your information? If you hear a first hand account of an event from someone, you would expect that they had all the facts. What do we see policemen do when questioning people? They take statements from everyone; eyewitnesses, parties involved, etc. How unjust would it be if you were in an automobile accident and the police officer taking the report did not want to hear your side of the story? So, I say that to say this. Reporters, journalists, writers, videographers, have written detailed accounts of a situation. How close were they to the event? The trouble with the Internet is that so many people are using second or fiftieth hand information to present what they call fact. The old saying, “people believe what they read” is very true. So what do we do to verify information?
Just like eating healthy food...get as close to the source. Before you make any comment based on a rumor, you need to check your information through at least three sources. This is what the government calls Intelligence Correlation. Databases are kept as a primary tool used to support intelligence preparation for the battlefield, graphical display of enemy order of battle, and provides intelligence data feeds. Before the government takes action on any information they have to check with other domestic and foreign intelligence services to see if other sources are providing similar details. If no one can collaborate, then more oft than not, no action is taken. Anyone that knows our government knows that they are not quick to move anyway, even with a smoking gun in the hand of the shooter, with his hands in the air. Nevertheless, this is an important function so that negligence is avoided. Civilians die in battle due to lack of supporting intelligence about the possible civilian casualties. O.k., so you are not involved with foreign occupation. Let's talk about something as simple as a rumor. Have you ever been told that someone was saying something about you behind your back that wasn't true or may be only marginally true? If no one has ever said anything about you that is derogatory then you live in Antarctica and have never encountered another human being. What people do not know, they will fill in the blanks.
Anyone that has ever been on a debate team, whether it be in High School or College knows that all their supporting arguments have to be substantiated. If your source is less than reputable, then your argument has no merit. To come to some sort of point to all this is that during your conversations with others, particularly me, make sure that you know what you are talking about. KNOW being the word of choice being that you are able to differentiate opinion from fact. We are all entitled to our opinion, however, present it as such. For business, I am very clear in presentations, the information that I am presenting as facts and those other caveats that are just my opinion. It is only ethical to do so. Our day to day conversations will be so much more fruitful when we stick to what we know and not argue with people that have no idea what they are talking about in the first place.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Understand Networking
My name is Chris Ward, and for a little of my background; I was in the military for a number of years and at the tail end I worked in Human Intelligence Collection, which was a difficult job by design. However, the premise of the job was to network. As most people network in order to promote their business, find work, or find a date, I was looking for war criminals, terrorists, and war profiteers. So, although we are all looking for something different, I think that the philosophies are still the same. However, many people have a networking problem.
I like this clip about Networking from Dave Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle. Dave states that, "too many workers see networking as a game of "Who Can I Exploit Today?" So they are clumsy at it. Or worse. Networking means helping others as well as helping yourself. Certainly some people will meet with you either out of the goodness of their hearts or because of some sense of obligation, but you'll do much better if you try to help people in the process." read more...
Networking by definition is a supportive system of sharing information and services among individuals and groups having a common interest. So, what do we do wrong, and how can we network more effectively. Honestly, you don't want to network more effectively, you want to drive people to purchase your good or service more effectively. In there lies the networking problem. Infants know how to network. We muck it up as we get older.
I dare you to talk to ten people today, shake their hands, remember their name, and don't say a word about your business. This is very difficult for most of us because often we define ourselves by what we do. You cannot imagine the awesome power of seeing someone for the second time and remembering their name and where you saw them. That will inflate someone's ego 10 fold. Sometimes, I joke about what I do when I talk to new people. They may ask, "Hey Chris, what do you do?" I reply with, "I'm an out of work Vegas lounge act." Say it with a smile. They will recognize you are kidding, unless you aren't, and immediately respond with a question about anything. This is not the time to talk about yourself. You want to know as much about this other person as possible because you only have 5-10 minutes before they move on in life.
Draft a list of 10 questions that would determine if you can help them in any way. That is the mortar that will seal your relationship. Someone may tell me that they are looking for a wedding photographer. Guess what, I know the best wedding photographer in town. You now how? Because we met a few weeks ago and I told him the name of a venue manager that would put him on their preferred venue list.
This does not mean to be clandestine with your business. If someone asks what you do a second time, don't come up with some elaborate story. By the way, on a side note, always carry a half dozen or more business cards. In California, dogs carry business cards. I live in a tourist rich area and people constantly ask me for directions. As long as they are not going to the hospital for a heart transplant, I'll ask them where they are from, how long they will be here and recommend a good restaurant. People love that. When I travel, I always want to go where the locals know to eat and not where some tourist website says I should go. Then, I tell them, "hey, I pride myself on being a man about town, if you need anything else, feel free to give me a call"; and I give them my business card.
At a networking function, be someone that knows everyone. I'll actually take new members around to introduce them to others. I will not talk about my business to a person I am just meeting. I want to be their friend and help them first. Eventually, they will subscribe to my good or service and be more apt to refer me to others. Don't you always try to "hook up" your friends?
Every once in a while I get someone who meets me for the first time and spits out a 30 sec commercial about what they do. I usually respond with, "that's nice". I want to know that you are a fun and positive person that I would want to spend time with outside networking events. That's a clue. Grade yourself on how many people are calling you when it has nothing to do with business. You cannot be a hermit. Another aspect of networking is participating in other people's events. I know people that only sit in their store day in and say out and never go to an event. Be a face in the community. Volunteer. Once people see that you are willing to give your personal time for a cause, the one commodity that we never get back, they are apt to look into what you do for a living a little bit more.
You attract more flies with honey, than vinegar. This is something we learned as children. Be a fun person when you enter a room...REGARDLESS of the event. If you look around as if you don't know why you ever walked in the room, you might as well turn around and leave. If you walk in like you are the guest of honor and everyone is waiting on you, you'll attract more people to you.
Anyway, networking, again, is about building relationships and discovering how you can help people. The money will come. The business will flourish. Just be calm, have fun, and don't focus on the hardships when you are talking to people. You want everyone to assume that business is grand and you are going to be around for decades. You can use the Q & A with veterans in your industry to get helpful hints. People love to talk about themselves. When I meet a top income earner in my company, I shake their hand, ask a question, smile, and shut up.
Please leave some remarks if you have some other tricks to the trade. If you have negative remarks, just write them down on a piece of paper, throw some tobacco on top, roll it up and smoke it, because that is the only way you will get any benefit from it. I look forward to you all having a lot of success in your next networking endeavor. God bless you and yours.
I like this clip about Networking from Dave Murphy of the San Francisco Chronicle. Dave states that, "too many workers see networking as a game of "Who Can I Exploit Today?" So they are clumsy at it. Or worse. Networking means helping others as well as helping yourself. Certainly some people will meet with you either out of the goodness of their hearts or because of some sense of obligation, but you'll do much better if you try to help people in the process." read more...
Networking by definition is a supportive system of sharing information and services among individuals and groups having a common interest. So, what do we do wrong, and how can we network more effectively. Honestly, you don't want to network more effectively, you want to drive people to purchase your good or service more effectively. In there lies the networking problem. Infants know how to network. We muck it up as we get older.
I dare you to talk to ten people today, shake their hands, remember their name, and don't say a word about your business. This is very difficult for most of us because often we define ourselves by what we do. You cannot imagine the awesome power of seeing someone for the second time and remembering their name and where you saw them. That will inflate someone's ego 10 fold. Sometimes, I joke about what I do when I talk to new people. They may ask, "Hey Chris, what do you do?" I reply with, "I'm an out of work Vegas lounge act." Say it with a smile. They will recognize you are kidding, unless you aren't, and immediately respond with a question about anything. This is not the time to talk about yourself. You want to know as much about this other person as possible because you only have 5-10 minutes before they move on in life.
Draft a list of 10 questions that would determine if you can help them in any way. That is the mortar that will seal your relationship. Someone may tell me that they are looking for a wedding photographer. Guess what, I know the best wedding photographer in town. You now how? Because we met a few weeks ago and I told him the name of a venue manager that would put him on their preferred venue list.
This does not mean to be clandestine with your business. If someone asks what you do a second time, don't come up with some elaborate story. By the way, on a side note, always carry a half dozen or more business cards. In California, dogs carry business cards. I live in a tourist rich area and people constantly ask me for directions. As long as they are not going to the hospital for a heart transplant, I'll ask them where they are from, how long they will be here and recommend a good restaurant. People love that. When I travel, I always want to go where the locals know to eat and not where some tourist website says I should go. Then, I tell them, "hey, I pride myself on being a man about town, if you need anything else, feel free to give me a call"; and I give them my business card.
At a networking function, be someone that knows everyone. I'll actually take new members around to introduce them to others. I will not talk about my business to a person I am just meeting. I want to be their friend and help them first. Eventually, they will subscribe to my good or service and be more apt to refer me to others. Don't you always try to "hook up" your friends?
Every once in a while I get someone who meets me for the first time and spits out a 30 sec commercial about what they do. I usually respond with, "that's nice". I want to know that you are a fun and positive person that I would want to spend time with outside networking events. That's a clue. Grade yourself on how many people are calling you when it has nothing to do with business. You cannot be a hermit. Another aspect of networking is participating in other people's events. I know people that only sit in their store day in and say out and never go to an event. Be a face in the community. Volunteer. Once people see that you are willing to give your personal time for a cause, the one commodity that we never get back, they are apt to look into what you do for a living a little bit more.
You attract more flies with honey, than vinegar. This is something we learned as children. Be a fun person when you enter a room...REGARDLESS of the event. If you look around as if you don't know why you ever walked in the room, you might as well turn around and leave. If you walk in like you are the guest of honor and everyone is waiting on you, you'll attract more people to you.
Anyway, networking, again, is about building relationships and discovering how you can help people. The money will come. The business will flourish. Just be calm, have fun, and don't focus on the hardships when you are talking to people. You want everyone to assume that business is grand and you are going to be around for decades. You can use the Q & A with veterans in your industry to get helpful hints. People love to talk about themselves. When I meet a top income earner in my company, I shake their hand, ask a question, smile, and shut up.
Please leave some remarks if you have some other tricks to the trade. If you have negative remarks, just write them down on a piece of paper, throw some tobacco on top, roll it up and smoke it, because that is the only way you will get any benefit from it. I look forward to you all having a lot of success in your next networking endeavor. God bless you and yours.
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